I remember when it started. Most people probably do. I was 16 and my dad was lecturing me again. I remember thinking I just couldn’t take this long conversation anymore, but I felt trapped. I couldn’t leave. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I couldn’t speak. All I knew was I needed out, but I was stuck there.
Unfortunately, my knowledge of self harm was that it was just “cutting.” I had no idea that it could manifest in any kind of harm that one does to him or herself intentionally.
As the years progressed, my mental health deteriorated. It first it was just depression, then anxiety joined the party. Then I had Bipolar II, then Bipolar I. Then, they wanted to tell me I had Schizoaffective Disorder. They missed a crucial diagnosing factor, though, because I lived in denial about my self harm for many years. When asked, I always answered no and I thought I was telling the truth. I justified it as “well I’m just doing what I have to do to get by.” And that was true – I later learned to be compassionate and look at it as a coping mechanism for the things I had no other way of managing.
Eventually it became hard to ignore. At that point I had no choice but to admit to myself that this was self harm and incredibly dangerous. As I came to terms myself and shared with my trusted mental health professionals, I finally received a correct diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. After going through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, my self harm stopped and I learned better coping techniques and I now no longer meet the criteria of BPD.
I share my story for two reasons: “cutting” gets most of the press and many people may not be aware that self harm can take many many forms. The second reason is that I want to share hope. Recovery is possible and you can learn new coping mechanisms that are more healthy than self harm. But be kind to yourself – don’t beat yourself up, because you are doing the best you can with the skills you have. All you have to do is learn new skills. It is a challenging journey, but you are worth it. You deserve recovery. It’s not too late, and you’re never too far.
Tag Archives: coping
What I would say…
I started cutting at 12 years old. From 12 to 16 it was a serious, often daily problem. I didn’t definitively stop until I was 18, until I was far enough out of my black hole to really see and feel how much it destroyed someone that loved me. I so desperately wish I could go back and tell my 12 year old self, and really get her to believe, all the reasons I never should have cut. I would say:
When at twelve you don’t know why you haven’t felt alive for over a year and you sit alone in your room every night, you’re going to read this book called “Cut”. The girl cuts herself; the story is meant to show that self-injurers are not alone, there are ways out, people do care, and most of all to discourage people from ever cutting. When you read this, my first plea is you hear what it is trying to tell you instead of trying it for yourself. Because once you start you will be trapped. In the beginning, when you still have a chance of quitting, before it destroys you, it will physically feel too good, be too satisfying, feel like you need it too much, and mostly; you wont think its a big deal, you’ll think you wont care about the scars, that you don’t care what people think, and that you can stop whenever you want. Its all wrong. My second plea its that when you are here, you really try to find a productive alternative to cutting. Take up running, or focus more on your art, something that will build you in the long run, not destroy you. Something that will actually continue help you, unlike cutting….. Please realize that cutting isn’t worth it. Still now, cutting will creep up and tell you to hurt this amazing person that you love more than anything. It’s all not worth it, once you step back and look at all of it, not just feel each slice, it’s horrible.
So please, I’m begging you, don’t do this to yourself, to me.
changing…
I self harmed for about 6 years, it started off because I always thought I wasn’t good enough, then when I got older my best friend had killed himself, since that day it made me realize that if I were to kill myself I wouldn’t only be hurting me, but hurting every one else. I couldn’t believe that I could possibly put my loved ones through that awful pain. so I started changing my ways, every time I felt the urge to self harm. I would go out and long board, or call up one of my friends to hang out. and soon enough I wasn’t thinking about it all the time. and I felt great.(and my skin was looking great!). since that time I haven’t self harmed or even thought about it. that would be about 3 years ago. and I couldn’t be happier.
believe in yourself
If you’re feeling especially incomplete, hollow, please don’t cut. Or burn. Write a poem, draw a picture. Talk to a friend, or talk to a piece of paper (metaphor-write on it lawl). Write a letter to somebody who made you upset or who you think is beautiful and talented and might not get the praise he/she deserves…it doesn’t matter if you’ll never end up sending it. It’ll relieve some stress and/or the urge to self-injure. Keep your head up. Don’t let people push you around. Be who you are. Do what you love to do. Love yourself, and know that you’re ultimately a strong, lovable, and wonderful person. I believe in you. I love you. And, together, we can overcome this insanely difficult time in our lives. Trust me, I’ve been there. Honestly? I AM there, right now. Believe in yourself.
Stay Strong!!
I used to suffer from depression and self harm because I felt like I was all alone in this world that would never understand me. And to be honest, my family and friends didn’t get me at all and for the most part still don’t. But then I discovered reading… Not teenage dramas or romance novels but actual classic literature. Authors really open themselves up in their novels, and you realize all those thoughts and feelings that you thought no one else had are right before your eyes. And you realize you’re not alone after all.
If you struggle with self harm or depression, try reading. It may sounds stupid at first, but just try it. 🙂 It saved my life, and it may help you too.
I love you all and stay strong.
Urges do not control me
It’s been three months and almost two weeks since I’ve self-harmed. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without it since I started. I still get urges, but I’ve learned that the urges do NOT control what I do. I do not have to self-harm just because I feel like I do. I can learn to cope, express my emotions, and wait through the urges. I won’t lie and say it’s easier, because for me, it’s not yet. It’s still a day to day struggle to remind myself that self-harm is not the solution. It’s something I have to deal with and cope with in a healthy way, and eventually the urges will start to fade just like the scars.
Strategies
I find it helps to take your hand and rub/massage the spot you want to self-harm.
You can stop too
I am 53years old and started to self harm at 45 I have been clean (and I say clean because self harm is an addiction) for 4 years. It wasnt easy for me I could feel my arms hurting to self harm but I decided I hated the feeling of having to self harm to make myself feel good.It was always a rollercoaster ride and it became very tiring. You need to just stop,it really feels like cold turkey. Take 1 minute at a time and feel good about yourself that you are actually doing something positive for yourself.
Hurting your self is reallya moment thing it works at the time but then the feeling goes away.Yiu need to self harm to get back that feeling. Just stop and get help.This will help you to continue on your path to feel good about yourself.
Stay Strong!
As a victim on SI, I’ve learned that at times I’m able to cope by taking every reason that’s eating at me, writing it on paper, and burning the paper. As silly as it sounds, it’s saved me on some of my worst nights. I’ve also passed this onto a girl at school who’s scars I noticed.. she called me one night because I saved her life with giving her something better to do than harm herself.
As much as it seems like things don’t get better, they truly do. Maybe not tomorrow, but one day.. and that day will be worth everything you’ve gone through.
Keep your heads up, and stay strong.
I find yoga helps…
I found that yoga helps. I go to yoga a few times a week and each time I feel so much calmer. It’s weird because I think it makes me feel better overall so I don’t have as many urges 🙂
