Tag Archives: friendship

Writing my own story

When so many people saw only what they wanted to see, when so many people misjudged, mistreated and misunderstood me I could never see the “light at the end of the tunnel”. Over the years since I was 11 to now, those around me saw it as attention seeking.
They never understood.
I got to a point earlier this year when I thought that it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t around, if I was to just disappear from this earth. Would anyone miss me? Probably not, were my thoughts. I didn’t know if anyone would miss me, but I did know that I would miss those around me. That sounds so corny but that’s how I felt.
Each day that I endured; at school where I feel lost with my friends, at home where all the time there was pain and abuse when home should be a “tranquil haven”. Why does society think that every home is the same. Why did people look at my body and judge me for what I had done. They had no idea what home life was like. Why should they? They’d never stopped to ask what the marks were for, or why I had cut so deep. They never asked.
I don’t look at self harm as a disability or a bad thing, I look at self harm as an easy way out.

My home life, was inpredictable. The arguments and fighting would be fine to handle.  On the outside, when I turned 15, I no longer cared what others saw. They wouldn’t understand anyway. The fighting would be frequent and my escape was to draw until I couldn’t stand it any longer and a blade was the next solution.
I loved to draw when I was younger, the sound of the paint being applied to the piece of artwork I was creating used to be my favourite sound.
I viewed my paintings as graceful and beautiful, but my friends thought they were depressing and soulless. That shattered my world, and I turned into a shell of a girl. Cliche, I know but I couldn’t seem to help it. I was falling into a darker hole and it was my so called friends who had put me there.

I made this one friend who I happened to find by chance, she was new to my school and we had not talked much since she arrived but that first class I remember with her, she never judged me as I sat next to her in my uniform, I knew she saw the cuts but she never stared. After a while we started to spend more time with each other out of lessons and we became the closest of friends. I never thought I’d be so lucky as to find someone who I bonded so closely with. I didn’t think I deserved it but she was mine and I was hers. We were each others’ equals me and her. We did everything together.
I noticed that she began to become quite quiet and withdrew herself from others when I got to know her better but with me she seemed to be open and social.
We appeared to bring the best out in each other.
We were in the park when she did something I’d never expected, she pulled the sleeves of her top up and showed me her scars. I was shocked and she cried, she said “you can give up on your family, you can give up on friends, but never give up on yourself.” She cried and we held each other until i said to her  “I’ll never let you down”. I meant this from the heart and we have been inseparable since.
My life changed because of her. We both promised each other to never give up on each other or ourselves.

I’m not going to say that my life was changed just like that. But I now had someone. I had someone who understood without asking “why”, “with what” and “are you okay?” We knew that we were never going to be “okay” because no one is ever “okay”. A life is never perfect and a life is never too bad to end. I realized that I’m not living today because I’m doing it for someone else, I’m living today because I haven’t given up on myself yet.

I hope this helps someone out there to realise that they too have the potential in their own life to live for themself and not for someone else because although it may be hard to grasp but we are all individuals, we all have something to offer.

Please don’t give up.

How My Celebrity Crush Saved My Life

I know this may sound weird but yes, someone famous who doesn’t even know I exist actually saved my life.
At the beginning of last year I started suffering from depression and self-harming. No one knew about this until one of my “best friends” saw the scars on my wrist and told my other friends. They all came to my house and started yelling at me and telling me stuff like “idiot” and “stupid”. Of course they told me that self-harming wasn’t the answer and forced me to tell them what was going on with me. I couldn’t explain what  was happening to me so I just told them that I hated myself, which was true, but there was more than just that. I was 14 at the time and I didn’t receive any attention from my mum, in fact, sometimes she left me having dinner all by myself or told me that I was stupid, useless, fat, stuff like that. So what I always thought was: “if my mother doesn’t love me, how am I supposed to love myself?”. My friends made me tell them all the things I didn’t like about me and then left, because they thought that I’d get better with just one talk where they treated me like I was some stupid girl who just self-harmed for fun, until one day my actual best friend came to my house and told me that she used to self harm too and to listen to a link on her tumblr page. When I opened the link I saw that it was from Calum Hood, who I swear is the love of my life and makes me happy every time I need. I never told my friends that the reason I stopped self-harming was that link because I knew they would think it was dumb and I mean, I wouldn’t blame them because it’s lame to think some random guy who makes music helped someone to stop cutting but yeah that’s the truth and if someone needs it, even though they don’t know who Calum Hood is, it can be really helpful, so please if anyone needs it, I’ll put the link at the end of my story.
If you are still reading I want to thank you, it means a lot and if you are going through this stuff, you’ll get over it. I know it’s hard and it may seem the end of the world but that’s not true and someone out there cares about you, you just need to find the right person to talk to about this because not everyone understands.

Anyway, stay strong, I love you

I self-harmed for 5 years

I self-harmed for 5 years because people told me i was worthless and told me to die.. ect., I wouldn’t tell my parents or even my friends. I was so scare that they would judge me , 9th grade I finally told two of my good friends and they told the school. The school called my parents and i got in trouble, they took away everything  and they were mad at me , it made me cut more. I tried to kill myself i thought it would make everything better but trust me it didn’t. I went to the hospital stayed in there for weeks all my friends were scared and thought I died. Its been 1 year since i cut and I’m proud of myself. Just remember if someone tells you your worthless  your not your worth a lot. People care about you don’t forget that so many people out there love you. If your cutting or depressed please tell someone I promise getting help is so much better then holding your feelings in!

i am currently experiencing self harm and suicidal thoughts and i just want to say that at the moment it may feel like there is nobody in this world who can ever understand what you’re going through because nobody knows when you have a fake smile on your face. i want to say things will get better have faith and believe in yourself.

stay strong…i advise you as someone who speaks from experience talk to someone a close friend or somebody that’ll help and support you. there are people out there who can help you overcome this and their support could be what you need.

overcoming self-harm…

I self-harmed for years. I felt so alone, one of my close friends told me that talking to our teacher would help relieve some of the feelings I had been feeling. It was like this huge burrden was relieved when I told someone who I trusted about my self-harm. I got the help I needed, along with the full support I have recieved, I haven’t harmed myself or thought about harming myself in 2 years! If you feel like hurting yourself, it’s for the best to get help and stop bad coping skills hindering your day to day life.

never alone

One of my best friends saw my scars and confronted me one day.” I just want you to know that no matter how alone you think you are, I will always be here for you.” After he told me that he gave me his number and told me to call him if I ever felt that I needed to harm myself again. So now I tell you, you are not alone. There is someone close to you that you can talk to about anything you face.

don’t isolate yourself…

I have not injured myself in 3 weeks and I am proud to say I have rarely thought about it. Yes I have thought about it, but I believe that the fact that I have not acted on it is great. I have been trying to recover for months now, and the longest I have gone without self-harming was 2 months. Something that has really helped me accomplish 3 weeks is my friends. Recently I have been hanging out with them often and that helps because it takes my mind off of it and they make me happy. So don’t isolate yourself, because I used to do that and honestly it just made it worse.

Find someone…stay strong!

I found someone that I felt really and truly cared. That person helped me and continues to help me everyday encouraing me that Im wanted and needed in this world and that Im not useless like Ive come to believe. My friend has helped me to the point where I havent injured myself for a few months. Whenever I feel over the edge and want to hurt myself I call my friend and she talks me out of it. She talked me out of commiting suicide. Without her, I wouldnt be here today. Any advice I would give others would be to find someone to trust and talk to them. Tell them. Trust me, it helps. Stay strong.

finding the answers

at first I was scared to tell my best friend, once I did a weight was lifted. she never questioned, but tried to understand. from that day on I learned a lot about myself. I finally found answers that I was looking for.

stay strong

My life motto now is stay strong. My best friend kept saying that to me when I was in the dark.